The Beauty and Wisdom of Saving Your First or Next Kiss for Your Future Spouse

No, there is nothing wrong with kissing your girlfriend in itself.

However, there is a conversation to be had about whether it is honouring, or even helpful. As 1 Corinthians 10:23 states, “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.”

For any Christian singles questioning if this is still for you due to your sexual past: Be encouraged, for “there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit”. Likewise, “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!”

The Biblical Design for Marriage

I would describe myself as a Christian romantic. Growing up in church, I fell in-love with the biblical narrative of marriage. Genesis 2:22-24 (ESV) records:

“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

There was something irresistibly compelling about the genesis story of the first union of man and woman. The romantic picture of a relationship in its perfect design and purity painted by God. I had no words to describe the longing these verses conjured up in my heart as a child, but close to them would be the desire of a whole intimacy that was holy, sacred, and consummating.

In Sunday school in church, I further learnt of God’s design for sex within the boundaries of marriage. I was spurred on to actively wait for marriage. To devote myself to the work of developing my character and to surrender myself to the sanctification of God. To make a pattern of being loving to my family. And to pray! For myself and for my future spouse too - that God through His Holy Spirit, enables us to lead holy lives as we actively wait for the time He draws us to each other.

The Culture’s View of Marriage and Intimacy

Whilst I was transfixed by the biblical view of marriage, which I believe God placed in my heart early as well, the culture and media around me had a different, incompatible view of romantic relationships and marriage.

Sitcoms on TV all presented a different view of romantic relationships, one in which men chase women to sleep with them. The respected man was one who was often successful in these pursuits and fawned over by these women.

When relationships where involved, there would be hookups, then moving in together, and if that worked out for a sustained period of time, then possibly marriage. It tended to be noted that marriage, if at all, was done begrudgingly by the man.

But breakups were common as well throughout this chain. In fact, breakups were the norm. A lot of these sitcoms also did not shy away from the devasting impact of heartbreaks in this cycle. However, the common solution was simply to repeat the pattern again and again until it finally ‘worked’.

The Beauty of Saving a Kiss for the Love of Your Life

Many years ago, a clip of a Christian man’s radical love for his wife moved me. In a culture where men boast of how many women they have been with, he boasted of the fact that he has never kissed any woman but his wife.

It deeply resonated with my spirit to the degree that I made up my mind to save my first kiss for my future wife. A conviction which I believe speaks to God’s heart for marriage.

There is a beauty in recognising that all we can save for whom will become our beloved is both a sacrifice to us and a loving gift for them. When you live your life considering your beloved as you wait for them, you honour them. You are also choosing an investment into the strength of the bond between you and your future spouse. What a joy to give your beloved the surety and peace of your complete devotion.

Even if this kind of commitment does not align with your past, there is still a great beauty in saving your current years as an act of loving devotion for your beloved.

There is no great love without great sacrifice. We serve a God who paid the greatest sacrifice for us on the cross so we can know the greatest love. Let us Christians be known for the radical ways we love each other.

Cling Unto the Better Promises of God

It is all well and good to want to live this out, but how is the question.

Around the time I decided I wanted to only kiss my beloved, I decided to keep it a secret because I honestly did not know how I would. My spirit and body were at odds, as I was caught in a desperate daily battle with lust, as most, if not all teenage boys are.

I am now twenty-five years old, and looking back, as John Piper would put it, “it has been God’s power to establish and sustain belief through His promises” that has allowed me to keep my vow.

Knowing and clinging unto the biblical vision of marriage will help you say no to the lesser promises of fleeting satisfaction.

As Jesus endured the greatest suffering for the joy set before him, let us endure in our comparatively minuscule way as recorded in Hebrews 12:2:

“looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Have faith and know that “without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

Everything in its Time is Wisdom

Songs of Solomons 8:4 records

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

There were many times in my life that after a first date I was already convinced I and the girl were meant to be. Sometimes even just a conversation that set my imagination running. However, I was passionately wrong all those times yet. Such is life. Even people in long relationships come to the realisation that marriage is not in their cards.

It is wise not to stir up or awaken certain desires until it pleases. If that is not enough, we are told in 1 Timothy 5:2:

“Treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.”

When we limit physical intimacy where we have made no commitment, or are making no commitment to marriage, we honour one another in all purity.

For Christians, as opposed to the culture that dates for intimacy, we ‘date’ for clarity. Whilst kissing is not wrong for two Christians getting to know each other, it is arguably not beneficial and a slippery slope, most especially if you have already been sexually intimate before marriage. It takes some time to have a good look at someone, kissing as any sexual activity can instigate deep passions before you have had time to consolidate your mind and spirit to a possible union.