The Beauty and Wisdom of Saving Your First or Next Kiss for Your Future Spouse

Is Kissing Beneficial for Christian Dating?

Whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with Christian couples kissing. We believers are called to not only accept what is permissible, but consider what is beneficial. In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul writes, “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

This draws us into a conversation as Christian singles who are not yet bethrothed. Is kissing actually beneficial to pursuing clarity. Regardless of our past experiences, it is worth considering if this could be a new commitment.

God’s Beautiful Design for Marriage

I would describe myself as a Christian romantic. Growing up in church, I fell in-love with the biblical narrative of marriage. Genesis 2:22-24 (ESV) records

“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

There was something irresistibly compelling about the genesis story of the first union of man and woman. The romantic picture of a relationship in its perfect design and purity painted by God. I had no words to describe the longing these verses conjured up in my heart as a child, but close to them would be the desire of a whole intimacy that was holy, sacred, and consummating.

In Sunday school in church, I further learnt of God’s design for sex within the boundaries of marriage. I was spurred on to actively wait for marriage. To devote myself to the work of developing my character and to surrender myself to the sanctification of God. To make a pattern of being loving to my family. And to pray! For myself and for my future spouse too - that God through His Holy Spirit, enables us to grow in our walk with Him as we actively wait for the time He draws us to each other.

The Culture’s Twisted View of Intimacy and Marriage

Whilst I was transfixed by the biblical view of marriage, which I believe God placed in my heart early as well, the culture and media around me had a different, incompatible view of romantic relationships and marriage.

Sitcoms on TV all presented a different view of romantic relationships, one in which men chase women to sleep with them. The respected man was one who was often successful in these pursuits and fawned over by these women.

When relationships where involved, there would be hookups, then moving in together, and if that worked out for a sustained period of time, then possibly marriage. It tended to be noted that marriage, if at all, was done begrudgingly by the man.

But breakups were common as well throughout this chain. In fact, breakups were the norm. A lot of these sitcoms also did not shy away from the devasting impact of heartbreaks in this cycle. However, the common solution was simply to repeat the pattern again and again until it finally ‘worked’.

Why Saving a Kiss Can Be a Beautiful Gift

Many years ago, a clip of a Christian man’s radical love for his wife moved me. In a culture where men boast of how many women they have been with, he boasted of the fact that he has never kissed any woman but his wife.

It deeply resonated with my spirit to the degree that I made up my mind to save my first kiss for my future wife. A conviction which I believe speaks to God’s heart for marriage.

There is a beauty in recognising that all we can save for whom will become our beloved is both a sacrifice to us and a loving gift for them. When you live your life considering your beloved as you wait for them, you honour them. You are also choosing an investment into the strength of the bond between you and your future spouse. What a joy to give your beloved the surety and peace of your complete devotion.

Even if this kind of commitment does not align with your past, there is still a great beauty in saving your current years as an act of loving devotion for your beloved.

There is no great love without great sacrifice. We serve a God who paid the greatest sacrifice for us on the cross so we can know the greatest love. Let us Christians be known for the radical ways we love each other.

Everything in its Time - The Wisdom in Boundaries

Songs of Solomons 8:4 records

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

There were many times in my life that after a few dates I was already convinced I and the girl were meant to be. Sometimes even just conversations set my imagination running. However, I was passionately wrong all those times yet. Such is life. Even people in long relationships come to the realisation that marriage is not in their cards.

It is wise not to stir up or awaken certain desires until it pleases. If that is not enough, we are told in 1 Timothy 5:2:

“Treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.”

When we limit physical intimacy where we have made no commitment, or are making no commitment to marriage, we honour one another in all purity.

Dating for Clarity First, Not Intimacy

For Christians, as opposed to the culture that dates for intimacy, we ‘date’ for clarity. Whilst kissing is not wrong for two Christians getting to know each other, it is arguably not beneficial and could be a slippery slope, most especially if you have already been sexually intimate before.

It takes some time to have a good look at someone. Kissing as any sexual activity can instigate deep passions before you have had time to consolidate your mind and spirit to a possible union.

Cling to the Better Promises of God

It is all well and good to want to live this out, but how is the question.

Around the time I decided I wanted to only kiss my beloved, I decided to keep it a secret because I honestly did not know how I would. My spirit and body were at odds, as I was caught in a desperate daily battle with lust, as most, if not all teenage boys are.

I am now twenty-five years old, and looking back, as John Piper would put it, “it has been God’s power to establish and sustain belief through His promises” that has allowed me to keep my vow.

Knowing and clinging unto the biblical vision of marriage will help you say no to the lesser promises of fleeting satisfaction.

As Jesus endured the greatest suffering for the joy set before him, let us endure in our comparatively minuscule way:

“looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Have faith and know that “without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

A Radical Way to Love

Whilst the thought of saving kissing for your betrothed might still ring as excessive, particularly to us as men.

I imagine if you questioned Christian married men who love their wives wholeheartedly as scripture commands, and asked them if they could, would they go back in time, and tell their younger selves to save sex for their wives, I know all would say yes. If you then asked, would they save kissing for their wives as well, I suspect many would say yes to that too.

Lastly, I believe, saving kissing not only radically honours the person you are courting, and your future spouse but also honours their future spouse as well. In this way, it is in keeping with Christ’s command in Mark 12:31.

‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”